First, as a military spouse, I want to start off by saying that for me—and I am aware for others—we come to a point where it becomes our own "fight or war." You see, our minds, worldviews, and perspectives will never fully match those of our spouses who have faced war firsthand. However, I believe it will only be by us, the military spouses, stepping into the gap between where we are and where we want to be with our spouses—supporting them, loving them, and ensuring they know they are not alone.
However, the journey to reach that middle ground is often fraught with our own anger, bitterness, and feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and even rejection. As a coach, I have the honor of helping other spouses come to know more about who they are and what might be going on in their spouses' minds and feelings, so they too can grow in connecting more intimately. So, you might wonder how that all intertwines with Suicide Awareness Month.
Let me share a story of a client (no name mentioned to protect their privacy). A military family who has seen over six deployments, various betrayals, witnessed her spouse experience loss after loss, slowly disappearing before her eyes. One day, she was met with the hidden secret of her spouse sitting in the closet with his handgun in his lap.
As she tells it, she's not trained on what to do. "Who is, in this community?" she says. "I mean, who tells you that you signed up for a life that isn't always going to be rainbows and butterflies? No one tells you that you must silence your own fears and emotions because one day you're going to find your spouse in the ambivalent moment of wanting to live but also wanting to die. No one," she says.
She explained that without training or really knowing what to do, she had to speak in a way that wouldn't reveal her own inner feelings of "What if I say the wrong thing?" or "What if he chooses now, in front of me?" or "What if it happens again and I'm not here to save him?" She asks herself, "Can I even save him?"
You see, this is a moment that, yes, we should be prepared for, but no, we won't have all the answers for what to say in the moment or where our thoughts could take us afterward when we think we may be in the clear. We, as military spouses, must be prepared to our utmost ability.
She leaned in and said to me, "I spoke in a way that magnified his friend, not himself. Not sure of what to do, I thought to myself, his friend's life must bring a significant amount of meaning to what it means to live and die." So she started there. She asked her husband, "What do you think your friend would say to you on how to live your life right now?"
It became an opportunity to invite him into a conversation about his friend, creating a moment of remembrance and significance, as well as letting his feelings and thoughts be heard about all the turmoil he had faced, seen, and witnessed firsthand.
I share this private story from one of our clients so you know that none of you are alone in this life journey of learning, healing, and growing. We are a community.
A Call to Both Spouses and Service Members
Secondly, you and I have a very important role to either be a part of the war and fight—not just for our country, which we need in current climates—but also in the most intimate ways we are in it with our spouses. The only way to live a life in the fight is to stand up and get involved by first educating yourself on the significant impact war will have on your spouse, you, your family, our country, and the world. This is rooted in your level of commitment.
I hear countless stories of spouses who have one foot in the marriage and one out, and that only causes more division; it pulls you away, even breaking a commitment to your vows. Again, I plead with both sides, including the spouses who stand beside the service members who go before us.
To the Service Members
Now, on to the service members: to you, I plead for a surrender of power and will. I urge you not just to hear the pain, sorrow, and weight of what your spouse is faced with, but I highly advise you to consistently put yourself in your spouse's shoes.
How, you might ask? Listen closely to what spouses who leave say. First, the weight of it all. This is something I internally feel myself. From other spouses, the entire weight is burdensome to her.
What does that mean? By definition, a heavy burden is described as excess baggage, wearisome, very difficult, etc. Now, imagine that among a team of service members, you bear one another's burdens. You lean into each other, knowing exactly the weight of what it takes to accomplish the mission. While each member has their own responsibilities, occasionally you'll pick up the slack when one is down. The same principle applies at home.
You can't possibly do it when you're gone in a physical way, but you can in emotional, spiritual, and social ways by leaning in, asking how you can connect with her emotions, and listening—not taking on, but empathizing. Spiritually, you can be praying over her, sharing your own faith journey with her. Physically, you can prepare not just your bag but hers by creating a community around her and getting her plugged in. If you, as the leader, are not connected to a community and are going at it alone, then she is left vulnerable among the wolves.
I say that with confidence because there is a reality that our marriages are under attack and will remain that way, but the increased divorce rate among the military is much greater. Now, whose responsibility is it to ensure your marriage and family are not vulnerable? Well, it's yours too. Service members must establish a core community of people to help guide and walk alongside them throughout their entire military career.
This one choice—to believe you should be living in community—is a foundational element for navigating life, but especially the military life's demands and challenges. It will reassure her and alleviate additional pressures that weigh heavy on her heart and mind to know that you have people both building you up and holding you accountable when you're wrong.
These core elements—such as knowing the weight you both bear, who's coming along with you in building a long-lasting community, and mitigating challenges through strategic implementation—will reduce, not eliminate, the hardships you will face. These hardships inevitably affect our communities' mental state as individuals, families, and our nation's defense line.
United Vision
The days, years, and decades are long and enduring, meaning we may lose our sense of time as we undergo deployment after deployment amidst countless days of training. Now imagine and wonder why so many spouses are withdrawing from the battle, the fight—it's hard. Both you and your spouse need a renewed vision of the mission, countless reminders that you love one another, and a community of people to evaluate the physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational needs.
Activity
Create a timeline of moments of intimate and personal interactions with one another. Develop a symbol of some sort to remind you of how you felt. Let that stir up truth, direction, and clarity amidst the hard times and distress when your mind fabricates false realities, lies, and misconceptions. Then, put it on an index card or notebook.
Questions to Add to the Card:
What thoughts are creating disunity and confusion?
What memories remind me that I am loved and have felt loved by my spouse?
What decisions within these moments made me feel valued?
What skills will help us make it through this crisis?
You Are Not Alone
If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for help. We are a community, and no one should face these battles alone.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Let's stand together, support one another, and ensure that no one feels alone in this journey.
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